Decision

Why is it that every time something serious, urgent, or important comes up in my life  I run away? I pretend that everything is fine, but at night I fall apart. Why is it that when I need to make a decision that actually matters I freeze? I'm not talking what type of gum should I get at the check out counter; I am talking important decisions that could affect the rest of my life! I don't even think things through, I just let things pan out. Which is fine and all; the whole go-with-the-flow attitude. But at some point I need to decide when enough is enough. When I need to take control of my life and how it will turn out.

Why is it so hard to decide between me and a loved one? It is easy to just choose the best route for myself and my own well-being, but what about making that decision against someone who is a part of my life? It's easy to choose myself over someone else, but someone once said that life isn't easy. Sometimes the right choices are the harder ones. Sometimes I may need to make a sacrifice in order to help someone important to me.

What about when my life is falling apart around me? How can I save someone else if I can't save myself? Everything is bigger than my own meager life; there is so much more than just me out there. What if saving the most important person to me means sacrificing everything that is ahead of me? How do I decide what is right and what is wrong? Sometimes big decisions fall onto the smallest of shoulders. How come the small shoulders are the ones that seem to carry around the weight of the world?

I could be making a big deal out of nothing, but you never know when it comes to life. You never know when the small, unimportant, decisions may lead to disaster. You never know what the future holds, so it makes making that decision that much more difficult.

Everyone has their own life changing decisions, so it is unfair to walk around acting as if my decision is any harder than the next person. It is easy to walk around with my head up my ass pretending my life is the only one out there. It is much harder to realize that there are so many lives that are intertwined, and one decision I make could effect the life of someone else; someone I may never meet. It is hard to decide what is best.

I can't decide what to do, and I can't turn to anyone for help because it is my choice to make. I just wish life could go back to being simple...but it can't, and I need to move on in life and decide. I need to make a decision that could lift one life higher, and push another life farther under water. Push one life to safer, sounder, grounds, and send the other drowning and grasping for a way out.

I don't want to play God; I don't want to have to decide. I can't possibly know what to do, but at some point I need to change a life, and that life may be mine. I may have to send my life spiraling out of control if it means stabilizing another, and I don't know if that is a choice I am able to follow through with just yet. I don't know if I will ever be ready.