Personality

In life, you always run into those people. You know, the ones that catch your eye? You can't help but want to know about them. They talk a little louder, their gestures are a little bigger, their personality seems so much more vibrant than everyone else. Something about them draws you in; the way they look, dress, talk, act...whatever it is, you can't help but become very attracted to them. As soon as they give you the slightest attention you latch onto it, just to become a little more attached to them. You find yourself hoping they will ask you to do something or go out on a Saturday night. You become fascinated by how superior they seem to the average, everyday person.

Now, let's say you start a relationship with that person; any relationship...a friendship or significant other, doesn't matter. What matters is that you become closer to them. You learn more about them. Everything that fascinated you about them in the first place is revealed in deeper layers. You soon realize that these people, who are so charming, are just that...charming. It's all a show. These people walk, breathe, live, and radiate the ideals our society has deemed acceptable. It is these people who seem less human. They become petty and shallow; they view other people, who aren't as lucky to uphold societies standards, as unworthy. They start saying things about other people that you would never think, let alone say. Soon, you can't quite put your finger on it, but there is something different about them. They look exactly the same as the first day you met them, but there is an ugliness to them you didn't see before. There is a dullness to their personality that you expected to shine, and you find yourself wondering what drew you to them in the first place. The ugliness in their hearts actually makes everything about them seem so much more unattractive, you actually find their features (which haven't actually physically changed at all) immensely disappointing.

So you leave...you leave that relationship questioning your own judgements. Then you meet a random person at a friends get-together, or out an about town. There isn't really anything that makes you immediately drawn to them...you just start talking to be polite and make small talk. There isn't anything seemingly special about them, they don't radiate perfectness. They are just an average, everyday person. You realize as you are talking to them that they are actually pretty interesting. They have seen parts of the world you haven't seen, or they have experienced moments you can't even imagine. Sometimes they just view the world in a way that makes you stop and think.

So you soon start a relationship with that person; any relationship....a friendship, or significant other, doesn't matter. What matters is that you become closer to them. You learn more about them. What seemed plain and boring to you in the first place is revealed in deeper layers. You soon realize that these people who seemed so average, are not just that...they are extraordinary. These people walk, breathe, live, and radiate everything that means life and humanity. These people care; they care on a deeper level...about everything. You soon realize the plain things about them, that you didn't pay much attention to before, are so much more beautiful. Every aspect of them seems enchanting. Their simple smile means so much more because that is their smile, the one that tells every intricate story. Their ordinary, unmanicured hands become unique because their hands have held everything that is special to them. They have touched lives with those hands. And all of those blemishes on their faces, and wrinkles on their foreheads, become faultless because each blemish emerged from pressure (worry or stress they put on themselves because they care so much about others), and each wrinkle comes from concern about those people who walk around life looking so sad. Oh yeah, and those unattractive lines on the side of their faces? Those are called laugh lines... each and every one comes from the laughter they can't hold in, the laughter that makes everyone else feel a little bit better because they know that laughter comes from somewhere special deep inside. All of their imperfections become immaculate in your eyes because all of those "imperfections" are perfect remnants of their lives.

So all I ask of you, after all of this, is to remember. Don't get so wrapped up in the "perfect" imperfection that you forget to give the "imperfect" perfection a chance because the latter are the ones who will change your life.

Afraid

My parents taught me to be afraid. Afraid of the world, the unkown, my future. They taught me to be fearful. I don't want to be scared. I want to jump right in and experience as much of my life as possible. I want to feel, touch, hear, taste, and see the world around me. I want to walk with confidence everyday! It is my life, and I shouldn't be scared. Everything that happens to me, happens for a reason. I can't avoid it by being scared, so why waste my time on fears?
My parent's taught me to be afraid, wary, and uncertain. Well I am tired of that bullshit! Half the reason children love life is because they have no fear of being wrong or judged...that is why they are carefree. So many people say they want to be a kid again, and it is really not that hard to have that type of mindset. We are just conditioned to worry, and we really have no reason to.

Late at Night

It's late at night when I realize I am not as strong as I pretend to be. The day catches up to me, and it hits me. I am tired of being strong, and I'm tired of pretending. No one really knows; I don't talk to anyone about it, but I am just done. It is late at night when all I want to do is give up, but I wake up in the morning and do it all over again.

Tired

I am just so tired of it following me around everywhere. I am tired of carrying it with me, and pretending it's not there. I can't keep being strong because I will break down eventually. It will sneak up on me when I least expect it, and grab hold of me. It won't let go; it clings to me at every turn. It causes tears of pain and longing; longing for a time when I won't feel it breathing down my back. I can't move forward when it's pulling me back, but I am afraid to move forward because I am afraid of the unknown; I am afraid of something worse. I'm tired of feeling it claw at me late at night, and I am tired of it affecting who I am as a person. It needs to end, but I don't know how I can even begin that ending.

My Mistake

My mistake was believing we were closer than we actually were. I cared more for you than you did for me, and it's my fault for not realizing it sooner. I invested so much into thinking we were friends, and you saw me as less than that. I can only hope I am meant to learn something from this because it hurts too much to lose the one thing I put so much of myself into. There is a part of me you will forever have; a part I can never get back.

The Small Things

I enjoy living. The small things are what matter to me. A friend breaking out into Disney songs or quotes, driving with the windows rolled down, petting a dog, reading a book outside, a nice breeze, birds chirping, laughing, hugging someone I care about, looking at the stars, jumping into a lake, watching snow fall, thunderstorms at night, the smell of a good meal, getting letters in the mail, and seeing a genuine smile. Those are all things that just make me happy; happy to be alive! They are the things I pay attention to everyday. Because in the end, we all end up the same way. So in the end, it's not about where we end up, but the journey that brought us there.
I don't just want to exist in this world, I want to live. I notice every little thing that makes me smile, and I realize that I am a single person in this world, but I enjoy the same simple things that exist in everyone else's life. I just choose to let those same simple things mean more to me than the big picture!

Beautiful

I think laugh lines are the most beautiful imperfections a person can have!

Insomnia

These thoughts racing fast through my mind
makes sleep a gift I can't seem to find.
Nights filled with dreams are the most wondrous kind.

Impression

I am not trying to impress anyone. I don't want to follow your rules; I want to follow mine. I know what I want out of life, and I know what kind of impression I want to leave on people. I don't want guidelines to confine me. These are my thoughts, my opinions, and my impressions. I don't want norms to define who I am. I want to make an impact on this world, as small and insignificant as it may be. I am not trying to impress you. My thoughts surpass your restrictions, and your capacity to understand them result in your ignorance. I don't waste words on insignificant specifications. My words, every single one I write, stem from an emotion, careful consideration, and determined decisions. I mean what I write, and I write for a purpose. I want to stretch your boundaries, and I want you to see the world I see. The beauty, the pain, the struggle, and the triumphs; I take precious time to decide what I want to write. So if you read a piece of my writing, don't judge the ending as vagueness, the transitions as inconsistent, and the content as irrelevant. It is written the way I intend it to be read. I know what I want to say about the world, so don't judge me based on your narrow views. You may be affecting my success today, but I can guarantee you that I am determined enough to inspire the readers of tomorrow.

Decision

Why is it that every time something serious, urgent, or important comes up in my life  I run away? I pretend that everything is fine, but at night I fall apart. Why is it that when I need to make a decision that actually matters I freeze? I'm not talking what type of gum should I get at the check out counter; I am talking important decisions that could affect the rest of my life! I don't even think things through, I just let things pan out. Which is fine and all; the whole go-with-the-flow attitude. But at some point I need to decide when enough is enough. When I need to take control of my life and how it will turn out.

Why is it so hard to decide between me and a loved one? It is easy to just choose the best route for myself and my own well-being, but what about making that decision against someone who is a part of my life? It's easy to choose myself over someone else, but someone once said that life isn't easy. Sometimes the right choices are the harder ones. Sometimes I may need to make a sacrifice in order to help someone important to me.

What about when my life is falling apart around me? How can I save someone else if I can't save myself? Everything is bigger than my own meager life; there is so much more than just me out there. What if saving the most important person to me means sacrificing everything that is ahead of me? How do I decide what is right and what is wrong? Sometimes big decisions fall onto the smallest of shoulders. How come the small shoulders are the ones that seem to carry around the weight of the world?

I could be making a big deal out of nothing, but you never know when it comes to life. You never know when the small, unimportant, decisions may lead to disaster. You never know what the future holds, so it makes making that decision that much more difficult.

Everyone has their own life changing decisions, so it is unfair to walk around acting as if my decision is any harder than the next person. It is easy to walk around with my head up my ass pretending my life is the only one out there. It is much harder to realize that there are so many lives that are intertwined, and one decision I make could effect the life of someone else; someone I may never meet. It is hard to decide what is best.

I can't decide what to do, and I can't turn to anyone for help because it is my choice to make. I just wish life could go back to being simple...but it can't, and I need to move on in life and decide. I need to make a decision that could lift one life higher, and push another life farther under water. Push one life to safer, sounder, grounds, and send the other drowning and grasping for a way out.

I don't want to play God; I don't want to have to decide. I can't possibly know what to do, but at some point I need to change a life, and that life may be mine. I may have to send my life spiraling out of control if it means stabilizing another, and I don't know if that is a choice I am able to follow through with just yet. I don't know if I will ever be ready.